It's not unlike me to be sitting in the dark, mentally alone yet physically in the presence of others. It makes me wonder why I'm still awake when the rest of my part of the world is quietly sleeping.

Why am I alone?

Will I stay this way forever?

It is secretly the thing I am truly afraid of, more than anything in (this) the world. I used to be afraid that my dad would not live long enough to see me get married. Now I'm just afraid I'll never find someone that loves me enough to marry me. Afraid I'll never find someone that loves me.

I realize that it's really important that I love myself first before I should worry about loving someone else or them loving me. But really... I'm so dependent on this feeling it really makes me hurt whenever I think about it.

There are so many more important things I should be worried about right now (like sleeping because I have an interview in the morning...) but here I am...

It's been close to two years since I've told a significant other that I loved them (or had one tell me they loved me...)

Honestly I am afraid to say it anymore.

I also don't want to be the first one that says it because that scares me as much as just saying it at all now.

The last time I wanted to say it, it ended up being only one sided. The time before that, "we" said it..and it was fleeting...or probably just said too soon. Before that, I ended things and probably broke someone's heart, even if only for a short matter of time...

I secretly don't think he will ever say it to me. That scares me too...

Am I wasting my time?
Is he too afraid?
Does he know what love is? Do I?

I think I'm going to leave it at this. His snoring has reminded me I need to sleep, along with that 2 in the corner of my screen .. thanks for reading.

Labels: selfpost