“if only you could see”

February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 May 2010 June 2010 September 2010 October 2010 January 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 August 2011 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 August 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 May 2015 May 2016 June 2016 July 2016 December 2016 June 2017 July 2017 June 2018 November 2020 December 2020 April 2021 November 2021

Tell me now, where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?

Love will not betray you, dismay, or enslave you, it will set you free, be more like the man you were made to be...There is a design, an alignment to cry of my heart to see the beauty of love as it was made to be.

And I wonder, as I lay here, in this senseless field of dreams, do you think of me when I think of you, as the nighttime slowly sings?



Things I am having trouble adjusting to:

being single
not sharing the air with you
not kissing you
not holding hands
not sleeping next to you
sleeping alone
not saying I love you
not calling you babe
not running my fingers through your hair
not showering with you
not seeing you still asleep when i wake up
seeing you sleep on the couch
the fact that i probably won't get to marry you
changing my entire life
my "empty" room
being called Rachel
calling you Adam
not getting to hug you whenever I want
talking about "Goku"
the fact that it seems as though you have so easily dropped these habits
crying every night before i sleep because i am alone
not holding you at night
not hearing you snore
not hearing your heavy breathing that lets me know you are sound asleep
the desire to place my hand on your leg as you drive or as i drive
these fucking thoughts of what i should do now

what should i do now?

i thought we were going to marry each other...

could i have prevented this?

why did you never tell me?

why couldn't i communicate with you properly..

these past five years have been amazing...

everything about them was positive...

even our fights..

even the breakup..

we are "friends"

i don't want to be "friends". i want to be "girlfriend"

but i can't.

Do you remember when we were at books a million, right before we became boyfriend and girlfriend, when you laid in my lap, and I ran my fingers through your hair?

we played DDR a lot together...it was a strange way to "meet"

I remember eating ice cream with you. a lot. you could never take the paper wrap off the cone without tearing it. mine came off easily. you were so nervous to ask me out. I said yes. you were so upset to break up with me. but from the way the conversation was leading i knew what was happening...and knew you couldn't say it yourself...fuck...

too many things to remember. i don't want to forget.

it's easy to wish that you could erase these things....but who is to say we won't make the same mistakes again?




I'll know my name as it's called again.