“if only you could see”

February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 May 2010 June 2010 September 2010 October 2010 January 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 August 2011 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 August 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 May 2015 May 2016 June 2016 July 2016 December 2016 June 2017 July 2017 June 2018 November 2020 December 2020 April 2021 November 2021

I listened to those words repeated three or four or ten times, while I was reading other words. Words from a distant past where the time was like yesterday but the thoughts and emotions were like years away. While I heard the words drift in my ears I felt my heart pounding against my chest and that was the only thing that mattered. I wobbled back and forth slightly while I tried to imagine myself in those past times, and I realized how incredibly selfish it was of me to want to feel that way.

I am reminded of a time when I stayed up all night with a friend, and in that night I had the biggest emotional release while the fan blades where spinning and someone else was in the room, a few feet away, like a ghost who now knows all your secrets and will haunt you with them forever. I shared a similar pain with a friend and together we cried. And we held hands. I felt worse for my friend than I did for myself because my friend was (is) so young. I can imagine the shattering feeling and how I wished that I could use my hands to put those pieces back together. It is incredibly foolish to think that certain things could come back together so easily as if nothing had happened. But you see the glue that dried up on the outside, and maybe the tape doesn't hold so well as it originally did. Those are the ghosts of the broken past.



It's funny how I felt for the longest time that I couldn't write anything. I still feel like I can't write anything. I am seriously considering saving this as a draft only and then not posting it. Then my feelings will change and I will change my mind on posting this. It is selfish to write these things for all to read where surely there will be questions, but sorry I won't grant you answers. Sometimes I like this to be a private kind of thing. You can say anything you want, but I probably won't answer any questions, this is a writing that is purely for myself and my selfishness. this is mine after all.

it's pretty chilly in my apartment now, and i am alone. i finally clipped my fingernails and it is much easier to type and text now. because before, even though my finger might be on the h key, my fingernail might press down the y or u key, or even get stuck in the small gap between the keys. my fingers look like little nubs now, it's kind of funny.

i still want to write my story but i still don't know how to get the words out. i guess it is writer's block. i'm not sure how to start it out, i just know certain things i want to occur...

i got a fortune cookie that read:

"stop searching forever, happiness is right next to you."

there is nothing next to me. i am happy being alone? or is happy the person i am currently sharing my life and everything with? i do love him. and he does make me happy. maybe it means that i should stop trying to ponder the things that have not occurred yet. don't worry.

i have an english essay that i need to start. luckily it is only two pages. i don't feel like writing it though. i suppose that is a dilemma that i need to get over, haha.

in the meanwhile:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6ZBSdjzKfk

From Khachaturian's Gayane Ballet Suite, this song was used in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Go ahead and let me know what you feel/see/think. My thoughts are left in a comment. like last time, try not to read what i wrote until you've posted so your thoughts aren't influenced by mine. also, tell me if you think that this is something cheap to get readers to comment or if you enjoy doing this?