I really wonder how you feel on these nights so alone

“if only you could see”

what am i doing. what am i doing.

Jan 30, 2009 || 9:52 PM || comment?

I feel incredibly lonely right now. Everyone is busy except for myself...I wish I wasn't so terribly dependent on others. I feel a little sad, and a lot afraid that this is what my future is going to be like. Naturally or unnaturally, we are all going to slowly separate from one another. As we grow older, and pick up our lives, and plant ourselves somewheres new, we are forced to leave tiny pieces of ourselves behind. So far I have left some friends and family behind. The affect at first did not feel like much, but right now it feels so incredibly overwhelming. As you get older, adults seem to have less friends. Or if they do have friends, they are very few and far between. I enjoy people, and the connection I get and feel from being with other people. I am pretty selective at who I want to get close to. I am friendly with all, I dislike few if any at all. I smile at random people who might make eye contact with me while I am walking to one of my classes, and they smile or wave back. The man watering the flowers in front of the Honors building. One cold day waiting for the traffic light to let me cross the street, and a small conversation is struck. Small, almost...pointless, meaningless, but I still remember it. I wonder if he remembers it. I was wearing sandals on that cold day. What an idiot. I make sure to wave at the man directing traffic in front of the church. He is much appreciated. Especially on cold days, and he is wearing a great, thick, brightly colored jacket, and sometimes this beanie that covers the whole face, much like an amateur robber might wear.

Why does it seem necessary to "grow up"? Right now I would like to go back to a time of...of what? Even riding the bus to or from school, and I would listen to my CD player the entire time. I would like to go back to getting to school at six in the morning and being completely random and silly with my brother. I would like to go back to grabbing the fence lined with Christmas lights and I get an electric shock. This is the earliest memory I can remember now. I think I was about four years old. We lived in a small yellow house on Ernest street. The metal fence had a thick bar growing across the top of it. And I grabbed it, and got a shock. Another very early memory, I always like blowing the dandelion flower seeds, and watching them drift away. There was one, tall, a very thick puff of seeds, against the fence. No thoughts about anything else other than: grab that flower. So I did. Stepping my leg into the largest ant pile you could ever imagine, and I remember hundreds of ants crawling up my leg. I remember sitting next to my mom on the bed, watching her make the grocery list out for the week. On Sundays we usually had barbecue. Brisket, ribs, sausage, chicken. Buttered Hawaiian bread. I remember also watching my mom balance her checkbook. A thick envelope with the month's transactions. And she did these things in a very nice routine. Making special things around Thanksgiving, and especially Christmas time. Chex mix, these cheese stick things, fudge..

I'm sorry that you are reading all of this, it is just me feeling sorry for myself right now.

...I guess that's the reason why I feel this way now.

In other, less emo news, I've got a Linux virtual machine on a DVD, and I need to download a virtual machine player. I've got to type up a program and submit by Monday night. Also on Monday I have a quiz in Calculus. Also on Monday I go to my first day of work. Also on Monday I...heh, just felt like writing that again.

I hear feet shuffling around outside...it makes me uneasy. Who could be out there? Why are they walking so slowly? Maybe I should lock my front door. Can they see through my blinds? Can they see me? Are they looking at me? Why are they looking at me?

I don't spend a lot of time looking at my face. I probably look at myself in a mirror once or twice a day. Those times would be brushing my teeth, (or of course, times when I wash my hands and glance at the mirror). But I mean really look at my reflection. I don't mind what I see there. I might fix my hair, especially if it is tucked behind my ears. I have a tendency to do that, but I don't like the way it looks. Most of the time however, I don't think much about my face or how it looks. And I am happy this way. Unless someone makes a remark about it (like big nose ._.) in which case I'll become conscious about it. But I don't wear makeup. I hardly do anything with my hair. The most I wear is a necklace, a ring, and spray some perfume. I also don't really have low self-esteem about my image, but I certainly don't brag about it either. I do need to get some new glasses, I hate that they are crooked (only because they slip a lot because they are loose because they are crooked because they are broken).

Lately my life has been extremely boring. My friend lays in the grass with his girlfriend (of course he pays for it with bad allergic reactions)...but I long to this kind of thing/these kinds of things. How can you do these things of simple pleasures when the other person finds they are boring? Most of the things I like are boring...

I'm really sorry you guys. Thanks for reading this anyways.