I really wonder how you feel on these nights so alone

“if only you could see”

A study of human life.

Jan 19, 2009 || 2:53 AM || comment?

The sun hung high above, the highest point it would reach this time at the middle of the day. Down below the mass of energy, taking in the sunlight, were two people, a guy and girl, sitting at the end of a wooden pier. Together they sat, close enough to be considered friends, but far enough to consider whether or not that awkward gap should be filled. Their bare feet dangled over the edge of the pier. The girl was leaning back some, arms stretched out behind her, supporting her weight while the guy next to her was taking a sip of some canned beverage. It wasn't known if they were sharing in some brilliant conversation, or perhaps they simply delighted in the other's presence. She was looking off into the distance, while every now and then he stole a glance at her. She finally looked at him, catching him in the act. In return she offered a wink and a smile, and he smiled back. Spontaneously, she rose from her spot, then began peeling off her clothes: first her shirt, then her jeans. Beneath it she revealed a two-piece swimsuit, that or matching bra and panties, but whatever the case it was clear her intention was to swim. She offered a brief farewell before jumping into the water, slowly warmed by the sun, then quickly agitated by her piercing form. When she swam back up to the surface, she looked at the guy, who seemed somewhat reluctant at first. Perhaps she pleaded with him, or maybe it took no convincing at all, but the metal clinking of his belt buckle easily revealed his decision to join her.

Sometimes I feel overly conscious about myself when I'm with a group of people, be it friends or people in my class. I wonder if everyone has noticed me, or are they currently noticing me, and are they completely enveloped in the conversation? I might glance at everyone to try and evaluate their concentration...and for that I feel at times that I am overly aware of myself, do I feel out of place, or am I thinking too much about the fact that I am here, and do others feel the same about themselves, or myself? Do other people ever overly think about their presence in a certain place, and do they wonder if other people are noticing that they are there? I'll look at other people, and try to wonder: do they think about things like this, in the same way that I do? Overly assessing their reason for being in a particular time or place, and wondering if they stick out and wondering if anyone else is feeling the same way. Sometimes I wonder if people have ever felt that about me, so I try to look at people, but their attention is not on me...so this makes me feel a little bit comforted I suppose- they don't notice that I am there...so I take it that it means I am not standing out or anything of the like. Or they could care less. Which is pretty much the same thing.

If you believe that a person is reincarnated, do you believe that this person is living new lives every time they are reborn, and their memories of past selves have been erased or taken away...which is why some people feel they have had a "former" life...because those memories were particularly strong or meaningful to their past selves, and it was simply too hard to completely do away with it? I think...it might be more comforting to think that I might be reincarnated, even if I won't have any memory of my currently working life...I guess I can only think about that /now/. And perhaps I'll feel the same way in my next life...which again I doubt I'll remember any of this. I guess if you believe there is nothing after death, then it'll just be like...sleeping eternally, with no dreams. Which...I don't know. I guess I value my friends and life in general too much to want to think about /that/ too much because frankly it makes me upset. I haven't really come to terms with what I may or may not believe about any particular afterlife, or lack thereof. Probably because most people are afraid of there being nothing after death is why they wish there is something after death. Or maybe there really is something after death. I'd ask a dead person, but I'm not exactly skilled at seances or whatnot. Maybe I'll go on that crossing over show. yeah right..

I wish there was a way to write a letter or something to my possible future self... my possible future afterlife/reincarnated self. But if I could do that, when I would receive that letter I'd probably be like "what the fuck" and be slightly paranoid about weirdos sending me weird letters...or maybe I'll be consumed with it and I might go crazy. But I doubt any of this would ever happen.

but it would be neat maybe if you died and then you dreamed for forever. i've got some pretty wicked dreams.