“if only you could see”
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was it a...break through?
because we all know actions speak louder than words.
because i magnify things in my head. and i'm stubborn. and stupid.
because the way i perceive things, aren't actually at all what's really going on.
because i expect you to know what i'm thinking.
these are some reasons why i don't generally write when i'm angry. because it makes no sense to anyone else, and i don't feel like explaining what's going on, and i just want to type out these words, to get them out, habits are hard to break.
how do you go about breaking habits? let's start with chewing/peeling fingernails. it's not so much a nervous habit as it is a "okay i guess i'm bored" habit.
i don't care as much as i should, i should have washed my hair today.
i should try to be more healthy.
maybe next year i will drink only water, and indulge in an icee every so often, like once a week or once every two weeks, but maybe at least one a month. is this a good idea? i think so. i'm really proud of myself for drinking water a lot more than i normally would. i'm not sure if i've noticed any significant change in my health or body or whatever. but i don't want to completely give up drinking sodas/soda like drinks, because they taste good. haha that is such a wrong reason, but they do. and i think a reward like having an icee once every two weeks is a good thing. but i can only choose one reward, and i'm going to suppose that will be it. other than that, i'll drink water. i'll guess i will figure this out for sure by the time the new year rolls around.
i should be less stubborn.
my mom is like this. i am wondering, no doubt i got this from her? and i hate it when she's like that. no doubt people hate me when i'm insufferable. maybe not hate me, but a thing they hate ABOUT me, or just dislike, because hate is a strong word.
how do you break traits like that? become less stubborn? this is an effort that will no doubt be much harder than not drinking sodas, or not chewing your fingernails. why am i stubborn? what benefit does it have? the only benefit is if your STRONGWILLED, and not /stubborn/. stubborn is negative, strongwilled is if you are working towards something that is right, or honorable, and you don't let anyone get in your way. stubborn is if you are stupid and rachel.
so how do i become less stubborn? i need to think carefully, be very mindful of the way i respond to people. i need to keep certain things in my head, because sometimes i am stubborn AND i say/do stupid things.
i should assume less and communicate more.
i should do, say, think, act a fuckload of things/ways differently than i do now.
and i need to stop writing about it and just get to it.
