“if only you could see”
February 2007
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November 2020
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April 2021
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whatever.
Isn't it such a backwards, messed up world when you have to fend for yourself, and you can't even count on your family to be there for you?
And isn't it backwards that the one person that needs help the most can't even go to the person who is there, if they ever need someone to talk to?
And isn't backwards that they don't even go to them, instead, do exactly what I'm doing right now?
Except /I/ called, after we talked a first time without mentioning it, to tell him what was bothering me, because of course, I can't hide it as well as he can. And remind him so many times that I'm here for a reason, for that reason.
But I guess that's not enough? Or not at all, because he has yet to go to me first. And it makes me feel bad when I'm a second resort, or not even one at all, and I don't find out about these things, until I read about them, and I wouldn't have read about them if I hadn't called him because he called me earlier when I was sleeping. Or I have his friend tell me about it, and it's like, "well okay, doesn't this look bad when his own girlfriend doesn't know about this?" I know about it, but never enough to know about him.
Maybe next time I won't call.
I feel pretty useless right about now.