“if only you could see”

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I went to the hospital earlier today, with mom, Alex, Caleb, and Adam. I was "okay" on the elevator, in the hall waiting to see if we went to the right floor. But as soon as we walked up to his room, and I saw him through the window, I couldn't hold it any longer.

Sunday morning my dad had a stroke. It was very hard, because I had been the first person to see him yesterday morning. So as I saw his face, everything from yesterday morning came rushing back. I think that's why it hit me as hard as it did. I knew he wasn't okay, and he'll never be completely okay. And right now, it seems so hard to comprehend. Just the day before, everything was fine. And then I wake up, and find my father, on the ground, unable to speak properly, unable to walk properly.

Mom tells us it was a massive stroke, after all. I knew it was bad because the doctor said so yesterday, but massive feels so much heavier. He doesn't have much control of his left side at all. He can talk, but his speech is slurred. I am glad he can remember. I don't know if strokes can cause you to lose memories, but I'm glad he remembers.

"Hi, Pearl," he said to me when he finally noticed me at the foot of his bed. My middle name is La Pearl, so he has many nicknames for me, like Pearlie girl.

He can eat food the consistency of a milk shake. Which is good for him, because his favorite kind of drink is a chocolate milk shake, which he had one today. Today, got helped him sit in a chair for an hour or so, and just that wore him out. They will progress with the physical therapy, to help him gain control of his left side again. He won't be the same, I know this, but I deeply wish he'll be able to walk properly, to speak properly. He won't be able to work anymore.

Doesn't help that finals start this week.